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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27872909">Perfection is you, even if you're not perfect</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheepgirl3/pseuds/Sheepgirl3'>Sheepgirl3</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Established Relationship, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Henrietta "Hen" Wilson Friendship, Happy Ending, Hurtful words (past), Insecure Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), M/M, Mentioned Christopher Diaz, Protective Evan "Buck" Buckley, Sad Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Unhealthy self improvement (is that a thing? now it is), Worried Evan "Buck" Buckley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:16:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,923</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27872909</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheepgirl3/pseuds/Sheepgirl3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eddie has been acting weird lately. Buck is concerned and seeks out Hen's advice. In an issuing conversation between the boyfriends, Buck learns about a sad part of Eddie's past and Eddie finally opens up about a deep rooted fear.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>197</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Perfection is you, even if you're not perfect</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Eddie Diaz was a lot of things. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Stubborn, hot, kind, it depended on who you asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But no one, absolutely no one, would say that he’s scared.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bobby would say that he’s a hard worker, a good addition to the team and a welcome addition to the family.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hen would make some smart ass comment about his head being a little too big, but she’d be the first to talk about his big heart and good work ethic. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chimney would say that he’s the only one who can get Buck to shut up, but instead encourages him. Oh and he would also say he was a little too stubborn and definitely too brave.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Athena would talk about how they could do with a little less trouble from the dynamic duo, but would also talk about what a good friend he was and what an amazing dad.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chris would draw his entire dissertation on why Eddie was the best dad in the world.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And Buck, Eddie’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>boyfriend</span>
  </em>
  <span>, would make a joke about his cockiness and pride, but would immediately tell the world about how kind and surprisingly soft Eddie was behind closed doors. Oh and he would likely talk about how hot his boyfriend was and not so subtly brag about being lucky enough to have the older Diaz boy to himself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So yeah, Eddie would be called many things. Likely far worse if someone asked his parents or Shannon-that was a shuddering thought. Likely a coward, definitely too stubborn. A good boy but too-...was how his mother was likely to put it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But no one would ever say that he was scared.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hen was working on the ambulance when Buck reappeared at the opening of the back doors. She set down the supplies she had in her hand. Buck had been acting weird all day, always distracted and frowning at his phone. It looked like he was ready to talk at least, the way he was shifting on his feet.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey Buck. What’s going on?” She greeted him, glad Chimney was helping Bobby with something. When Buck wanted to talk about something private, it was usually better one on one.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ummm…” Buck hesitated. “You’ll think I’m being ridiculous.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t know that until you tell me.” Hen couldn’t promise that she wouldn’t think it was ridiculous, but… “You know you can tell me things, Buck. What’s wrong? Trouble in paradise?” Eddie and Buck had gotten together about six months ago, making it official and exclusive two months ago. She thought they were perfect for each other, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t have troubles.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Buck sighed and looked off to the side for a moment. Finally he looked back up. “Eddie’s being nice.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hen was definitely not sure she understood that. “He’s being nice?” Buck nodded empathetically. “That’s good?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No no. There’s nice, weird-nice, and Eddie-nice. He’s being weird-nice.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not following.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Eddie-nice is when he randomly does something good or sweet simply because it just occurred to him. Eddie-nice is when he doesn’t even realize he’s doing something nice for someone else. Eddie-nice is when he comforts a kid on a call, proceeds to tease everyone here, whoops my ass in a video game, then snuggles with me at night simply because he likes hearing my heartbeat.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hen smiled softly. That Eddie was something special. “And he’s not being Eddie-nice?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No. Ever since we made things actually official, he’s been perfect. He doesn’t pick fights. He does everything Chris or I want without much question. Sometimes he’ll slip back towards his old self, but immediately correct it. Even in sex.” Buck threw his hands up. “It’s all about what I want.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As much as people might think that sounded perfect, Hen knew different. That wasn’t Eddie. But to be sure where Buck was coming from, she asked, “Ok. What about it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Buck threw his hands up again. “I like our fights! Not the serious ones, but we don’t even have those often. We always are bantering or fake fighting, but since we got together he’s stopped all that. It’s like he’s walking on eggshells. And as nice as it is to be cared about, he’s not thinking of himself at all. I have to suggest stuff that I know he likes in order for us to do it, cause he won’t do anything he thinks I don’t want to do. He doesn’t even like sushi!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sushi thing was out of the blue, but Hen could guess the context. “Have you talked to him? Asked him about it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve tried twice, but he shuts down about it and always finds a distraction.” Buck ran a hand through his hair tiredly. “I don’t know what to do, Hen. I know it sounds crazy, but this isn’t him. And I want the old Eddie back.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Then tell him that.” Hen knew it wasn’t quite that easy, but also knew that it had to happen. Buck sounded pretty miserable and she was willing to bet that Eddie wasn’t that much better. “Make him hear you out. I’m not saying trap him or anything, but don’t let him put it off. I’m sure if he knows that you’re unhappy, he’ll listen to you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not unhappy with him. I just am not happy with a fake version of Eddie.” Buck sighed and ran his hand through his hair again. “Ok. I’ll do it tonight. Christopher is at Tia’s; we’ll have privacy.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good. And don’t stress over it, Buck. You guys will sort it out. You always do.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Buck arrived at Eddie’s house after his shift. The other man had had a day off and other than a few texts here and there they hadn’t talked much that day. Buck couldn’t help but feel slightly anxious. Eddie had been remarkably good at escaping any and all attempts to talk to him about anything having to do with his weird behavior. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once he parked his Jeep, Buck trotted up to Eddie’s door and hesitated. Should he knock? No. Eddie had given him a key for a reason and knocking would likely alert him that something was different. Buck was allowed to come in unannounced, so he decided to do just that. His heart burst just a little at the sight before him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eddie was curled up on the couch, watching what looked like Golden Girl reruns. His curls-that he’d finally grown back after months of pleading from Buck-were tousled and he was dressed in what looked like Snoopy pjs. He hadn’t noticed Buck come in, gaze still locked on the tv screen.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Softly, trying not to startle him too much, Buck said, “Hey baby.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eddie jerked up in surprise before his eyes landed on Buck. The blond saw a series of emotions cross over the other’s face, predominantly pleasant surprise and also panic. He hit pause on the remote and quickly tried to tame his curls, looking almost embarrassed. “Hey Buck.” He stood and walked over, the two sharing a soft kiss. “This is a surprise. Just get off shift?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mhmm. Thought I’d come by and hang with you a bit, if you don’t mind.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“‘Course I don’t.” Eddie pulled back and busied himself with cleaning off the couch. So far very little out of the ordinary had happened, but the tension laced through Eddie’s muscles wasn’t supposed to be there. He seemed...embarrassed, as he quickly disposed of an empty cookie package and brushed a handful of crumbs off of the couch and took them to the trash can. Eddie had never bothered to clean the couch so much before they’d made it official. Usually both of them ribbed the other about the mess and did a half hearted attempt at cleaning it up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Was Eddie trying to impress him? But that didn’t make any sense. He hadn’t done that before they became official and Buck had still stuck around.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once Eddie was done, he patted the seat next to him and sat back on the couch, not nearly as relaxed as before. Buck joined him and his boyfriend leaned ever so softly into his side. Eddie seemed to crave the closeness of their cuddles and Buck was happy to give it to him, no matter how other things were between them. So he wrapped an arm around Eddie’s shoulders and they made small talk, asking about each other’s day. Once again though, Buck noticed Eddie paying close attention to everything he was saying, reacting and showing that he was paying attention. The ribbing about some of the funny parts of the calls didn’t come, neither did a lot of information about Eddie’s own day. The older man seemed intent on listening, but not taking up too much time himself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When their conversation had died down, Buck knew he had to take the chance while he had it. “Hey babe?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm?” Came an almost sleepy response and Buck felt bad about what would happen next.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can we talk about something?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And there it was. Eddie tried to hide it, but Buck could feel how his body tensed. The brunette slowly looked up at the blond and even though his eyes seemed to be begging him not to go there, Eddie nodded slowly. “Sure...ummm, what’s on your mind?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Buck gently trailed a hand through the dark brown curls and his boyfriend lost a tiny bit of that tension. “You’ve been different lately.”  He decided to start out. “You aren’t yourself and I’m really worried about you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eddie didn’t seem to know what to say or do. Usually at this point, he was already dodging the conversation. Now, there was an unmistakable edge of panic in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.” He said softly. And oh, wasn’t that the complete opposite of what Buck expected.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not upset, baby. I’m just worried.” Buck playfully and gently poked the other man’s shoulder. “I miss the Eddie that would bat me away right now and call me a mother hen.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eddie chuckled softly, but it seemed forced. “Why? Don’t you like the new edition of Eddie? Eddie 2.0, best one yet.” His voice was tight, like he couldn’t quite get the words out whole.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you in any case.” Buck said simply. “But I really miss the old Eddie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly, Eddie’s eyes filled with tears and he tore himself from the couch. He almost tripped over the coffee table in order to get away. “Sorry…I’m sorry…” He could hear him choke out before he disappeared in the direction of the bedroom.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Unsure of how to handle any of this and not even sure if Eddie would want him coming after him, Buck just sat there, replaying the conversation in his head. Eddie had been scared and sad, inner turmoil obviously turning inside of him. With that, Buck stood and walked into the bedroom, slowing at the doorway. Eddie was curled up on the bed in fetal position, tear tracks on his face in the moonlight filtering through the window. He looked cold too, the room not great for getting any warmth from the heating system.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Buck crawled into bed with Eddie, covering them both with a blanket. The older man curled into the fabric, fingers picking at it. Sensing that it wasn’t a good time to touch or talk to him, Buck just waited.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, a soft, rough sounding voice confessed, “I don’t want you to leave.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not going anywhere, Eds.” Buck certainly wasn’t leaving with his boyfriend in this state.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes you will.” Eddie’s shoulders shook a fraction, but when he spoke his voice was still mostly clear. “Everybody does.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ah. So this was far deeper than Eddie not wanting Buck to leave just then. The sheer sorrow in the brunette’s voice was enough to spur Buck into asking, “What do you mean, Eddie?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eddie finally rolled over and the heartbroken look on his face nearly destroyed the blond. “Shannon left.” A tear glistened in the corner of his eye. “My parents want to take Chris. They don’t even speak to me unless it has to do with him.” The tears silently rolled down his face. “I know I’m not good, but I don’t want you to leave either. There I go, failed again.” The tears rolled faster. Eddie was barely holding himself together.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Buck sat up, unable to understand what he was hearing. “Eddie, baby, I’m not leaving. Why in the world would I leave?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Cause I’m a mess.” Eddie’s shoulders sagged as he reluctantly sat up to be closer to eye level, even though he wouldn’t meet Buck’s eyes. “Shannon knew it. God, Buck, you aren’t blind, you know it too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Eddie…” It was killing him to watch Eddie’s pain and not know how to help. “I don’t know what you mean…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eddie rubbed his eyes, suppressing a tiny sobbing noise. “I know ‘m not perfect, Buck. But I want you to stay.” He continued to rub his eyes. “Thought you’d want me more if I made myself better.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Buck didn’t know if he was hearing correctly, unable to comprehend. “Wait...because you didn’t want me to leave, you tried to change?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eddie nodded, a tiny little jerk. “People tell me what’s wrong with me. Pick too many fights, too self absorbed, too scattered, too irresponsible, a burden. Shitty partner, shitty lover, shitty father. Thought I’d try to fix it. Thought you’d want to stay if I made myself better. Took everything Shannon said she’d hated, what everyone has said that I do wrong...tried to fix me. I tried, Buck, I’m sorry…” By this point he was openly sobbing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Buck was enraged, but not at Eddie. At everyone that had made the man feel like if he wasn’t perfect, he didn’t deserve anyone. He took a sobbing Eddie into his arms, trying to ignore the soft and helpless “I’m sorry”’s coming from the brunette, and laid back in bed. Eddie was nestled against his chest, ear over Buck’s heart. Slowly, minutely, he started to be able to breathe better. Buck kissed the top of Eddie’s head softly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Baby listen to me. How often do we usually fight?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“All the time.” Eddie’s voice was still small.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No. Like actually lose our tempers, not play fight?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eddie was silent. Then he said softly, “Only if one of us was stupid or it’s been a bad day.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Exactly. We kiss and have fantastic make up sex and all is forgiven. Wanna know something Eddie?” A tiny hum. “I miss our play fights. I miss you giving me sass and arguing over who wants to do what. I miss always being at each other’s throats but not actually because it’s banter. I miss cuddling with you on the couch and no one being bothered to clean up because why should we when we’re just going to mess it up again?” A tiny laugh. Progress. “I miss cuddling our son together and I miss his eyerolls at our craziness.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eddie was at least listening, so Buck pushed ahead. “Eddie, I love you. I love you as you already are. I didn’t enter this relationship with false expectations, I just wanted you. You’re not a burden. You’re responsible, you’re an amazing dad, you put literally everyone in front of yourself anyway. You don’t pick real fights with me. And you are the best partner I’ve ever had. Are you perfect? To me, yeah. Screw them. Their loss for casting you off.” He leaned down and gently kissed the top of Eddie’s head. “I’m never gonna leave you, Eddie. You’re stuck with me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eddie cried again, but that was ok. Buck knew that this had been a rollercoaster for himself, constantly trying to be perfect to not lose his boyfriend. The revelations about people in his life had made Buck wonder what else Eddie had been holding in, but he’d have time to be angry at Eddie’s dead wife and not dead parents later. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you too.” Eddie tilted his head up, but still kept it on Buck’s chest. “I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have tried to pretend…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey. I’m just glad I know now. I don’t expect our life together to be easy, but I don’t want it to be easy. I just want you. We can figure everything else out later. For now, you’re my boyfriend, we have an adorable son who is probably staying up too late at his Tia’s, and we have the night to ourselves.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eddie moved forward just enough to crash their lips together, looking worn out but a million pounds lighter. “I can’t say any of that as well as you.” Eddie mumbled. “Cause you nailed it all. But it applies for me too. I don’t want my life without you, Buck.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Buck simply held him closer, nodding softly. “Yeah, me neither love. Is everything off enough for us to sleep?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mhmmm.” Eddie sounded sleepy now, which Buck took to mean that his idea was perfect at the moment. He kissed the older man’s forehead gently. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you more.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you most.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Buck wound up spooning Eddie, feeling relief as their bodies curled together and he placed his face in the other’s neck. He was just about to doze off when Eddie said,</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you more than most.” His imitation of his usual arguing voice was overcome by a yawn and groggy voice. Picking playful fights. They were well and truly back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure you do, baby. Sure you do.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Written out of random inspiration! I wanted to see more hurt and trust issues on Eddie's side because of Shannon leaving. I hope you enjoyed it! </p>
<p>Kudos and comments make me happy and I love to chat with you guys in the comment section. Let me know what you loved!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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